I Knew It! Phelps is Some Kind of Marine Mammal!

In my last post of complete randomness, I mentioned how I was heading back to the pool to work on my swim. I’d never been a good swimmer, and in fact, I’m about as clumsy in water as Michael Kwan is on a Segway or a Scooter. I guess we have something in common…sort of…nah…not really. I’m not that uncoordinated. At any rate, I’m a bad swimmer. So bad, I had to be saved once, and I nearly drowned myself in a kayak…in a swimming pool. After watching Michael Phelps take home more Gold medals than the entire Canadian Olympic Team, I was inspired. On TV, he makes the butterfly and breast stroke look so easy and the freestyle look like a walk in the park. Well, looks are very deceiving.

On my first day out, trying to do my best Michael Phelps imitation, I ended up doing a Michael Kwan Segway imitation: I failed. I was so useless, flailing around in the pool and barely made it to the other end. I I knew in that moment, if I was on a cruise or a boating trip, and the boat sank, I’d be going down with it. I would not go down like that, so I swam harder. After two and a half laps, my body was full of lactic acid and it felt like my chest was going to explode. Maybe I should have had a Phelps breakfast that consisted of a bowl of cereal, three egg sandwhiches, bacon and eggs, and two chocolate chip pancakes to wash it down before heading to the pool.

Today, I had a bacon and egger (as close as I had to the Phelps breakfast at the time) at A&W and swam much better than the day before, but it was still the hardest four laps I’d ever doggied, flailed, something resembling freestyle, swam. There had to be some explanation as to why Michael Phelps can do it without seemingly any effort, while I was killing myself to stay afloat. Then I found this…

It appears that the Onion News Network has unearthed the true reason behind why Phelps is the man that he is: He is not…a man that is.

Shortly after his return from Beijing, his handler, Bob Bowman, coralled “the 6′4″, 200-pound aquatic mammal, and the first ever SeaWorld swimmer to be raised in captivity by foster swimmers (Mark Spitz and Dara Torres)” back to his tank at Sea World. Apparently, in addition to fried egg sandwhiches, he has an even greater love of “Dutch Apple Pie” which Bowman used as bait to get him back into the 5,500 seat stadium known as “Phelps Happy Harbour”.

Although they let Phelps out every four years to play with the US Swim Team, the “World Society for the Conservation of Olympic Swimmers” alleges that he’s not really as happy as he seems. “When he was placed back into his tank, the slightly loose portion of his black swim cap immediately folded over to the right side, a telltale symptom of stress and angst”.

No wonder this guy swims like a Dolphin. He practically is one! However, I now feel sorry for him being all locked up like that. I’m sure that there will be a movie called “Free Phelps” somewhere down the line. I guess I’ll stop pitying myself and go back to flailing like a human being. I must not be doing as bad as I think I am.

You can read more about the Marine Mammal known as Phelps at the Onion News Network. Thanks for the laugh guys!

When I Die, Please Bring Me Back as a Tiddy Bear!

Seriously, one of the coolest things to be brought back as…

…but it would suck if you were stuck between old and wrinkly ones for the rest of your days…

At first, I thought it was a joke, but apparently, it ain’t no joke. If someone has actually ordered one of these, please let me know. It’s one one of those, it’s so funny, it can’t be real things that I have to have an answer to.

Dot Com Pho - The Telecommuting Edition

With Kwanye stuck in Edmonton with Landals, we thought we’d never be able to have a Pho together again. Not so. With the power of the Interwebs, we were able to have simultaneous Pho not only at the same time, but also at the same restaurants. Nha Trang exists in both Vancouver and Edmonton and as a result, gives us the feeling that we’re having Pho together…sort of. Next time I think we’ll take it up a notch and have laptops simultaneously broadcasting the two meets so that we can still talk and still see each other, but not like BobTV because that’s boring.

This week, we’ve ordered the smaller size of Pho with a side of spring rolls as only myself, Ed Lau, who has officially rejoined Canada after spending time as an ex-pat in Japan for months, and Ray who, like Cher or Prince, uses one name, was in attendance. Everyone else apparently has a life. Funny enough, another Chow was at the same restaurant, but not the Evil One. John’s brother drove all the way from Chilliwack to have Pho in Vancouver. Apparently, he does this on a weekly basis and has to drive over an hour whereas John won’t drive 15 minutes to come out to Vancouver. They are truly two different brothers from the same mother. Here’s this week’s combined Edmonton and Vancouver Edition…

John just posted his video of the Dot Com Pho Toronto meet up, but it seems like there is a whole lot of John Chow, and maybe that one real shot of the guy who ordered the Hai Nam Chicken Rice. It’s more like the John Chow Meet Up featuring Pho, and some other people too. The others appear briefly in the video as well, but less than the dude that keeps looking over his shoulder in the background.

Dot Com Pho will take a hiatus till September 13th so that we can have some me time and a Summer Vacation. See you then!

Pho Continues Tomorrow! - Nha Trang Restaurant

After starving ourselves of Pho for two weeks due to Dot Com Congee Noodle house and our Dot Com RockBand Adventure, it’s time to go back to the beef noodles that we love. For some strange reason, my body has now become accustomed to MSG and Brisket on Saturdays, and somehow, it doesn’t feel right without it. This week, unfortunately, will not have the accidental comedic stylings of Michael Kwan. He’s now in Deadmonton blogging about Oiled Cowboys. Hopefully him and Jason Landals will find some way to do a Dot Com Pho Deadmonton Edition and send the footage over for the weekly video.

This week’s Dot Com Pho will take place at the somewhat legendary Nha Trang Restaurant in Vancouver, BC, near the corner of Broadway and Fraser and not too far away from the Congee Noodle House Restaurant. The reason it’s legendary is because it’s the first place that I’ve ever had Pho with John Chow. I know it’s hard to believe, but John did willingly go to Vancouver for Pho at some point.  Here’s a map just in case you get lost:

View Larger Map

Again, everyone is welcome and we’ll be there at 12:30PM for some tasty beef noodles. Just leave a comment or send me a message on Twitter to let me know so that we can save a seat for you. At the same time, John Chow is also having a Dot Com Pho Toronto this Saturday so if you’re in Toronto, go check that out. He did some reader’s meet up earlier this week at some Hippy Vegetarian joint that he hated. John whines about a lot of things, but he has every reason to be upset about a meatless lunch. Carcass 4 Life!  See you all tomorrow!

Dot Com Rock Band - Kwanye Farewell Tour

It’s true. Michael Kwan, our favorite Segway Crashing and Scooter Wrecking friend has taken off to the land of the rising snow and City of Malls, Edmonton, Alberta. As mentioned at last week’s Dot Com Congee Noodle House, he is there to pursue his new blogging niche of “Oiled Cowboys”. Hopefully, Jason will have Dot Com Pho with him occasionally when the temperature is above the freezing level of Vietnamese beef noodle soup. We’re going to miss him at our weekly “Pho Downs”.

For Michael’s going away party, we decided to have a Dot Com Rock Band Edition. Most of you don’t know this, but Michael does a very moving rendition of “Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld”. It’s so moving that Ed Lau giggled himself to tears while Greg Morgan and Gary Ng rocked on to his soulful melody in a heated game of Foosball. We had pizza and fudgcicles and a whole lot of fun as you will lay witness to in this video…

We’re going to miss Kwanye and we hope that he gets there without incident. Although the car has four wheels, the U-Haul trailer only has two. I expect to see a news headline tomorrow night reading something like “U-Haul Trailer Flips Over in Front Yard and Traps Male Occupant. Blames Handheld Camcorder for Mishap”. The article would go further quoting the victim as saying “I was standing in the middle of the trailer, between the two wheels, when all of a sudden, I had a feeling like I was on a Segway. Next thing I knew, the thing was upside down and i fell on my digital camera!”

Take care man and we’ll miss you! Hope to see you back here for a Dot Com Pho - Holiday Edition!